Flight or Fight, or Untitled

I think it's great sometimes that we can't change what we've done. Sure, sometimes we look back and say, 'I wish I could change that.' But looking back, I know that changing anything will just complicate matters and if you wnat to change something, what would you change? Everything? A little thing? Which detail would you alter? And if you were to decide that you were'nt brave enough, it's awesome that you put you foot forward and you can't turn around again, because the engine has been set in motion.

(Random note, thank you all for commenting on my various posts. I find it so much more meaningful than chat-boxes.)

Once I returned from my month long vacation in my beloved hometown, I... I don't know. I was dissapointed? Maybe because my mum changed my flight (eventhough she doesn't admit it) to a day earlier? Maybe because I had a taste of nostalgia and I didn't have my fill yet? Honestly, honestly, honestly, I dare not confirm on that matter. Because, truly and Honestly, I do not know. I spent my whole Saturday watching Gossip Girls (I mean it, the whole day). I set not one foot outside the room, watching late into the night and finishing the first season on Sunday morning. For want of something better to do, of course. I felt bleak; My future felt bleak, I made plans to run away, plans to escape from my prison, plans to show my mother that for once, I controlled my life. Not her.

I did not. But on Monday night, I decided, this shall be mine. This blueprint shall be propped up into real life where the drafts are the ideas that I had, and the materials the actions I would use to construct my freedom. I didn't attend school on Tuesday, and that day went by uneventfully. Come Wednesday morning, tho, and I had search parties looking for me, in the school, in the boarding school and what not. I'm surprised, actually, I thought that they would have found me sooner, and that they would only realise my absence much later.

To trim the story down to size, I seems I have troubled my teachers, my superiors and even my friends. I take this opportunity, to anyone invovled, to give my deepest apologies. My actions have caused worry and have taken time, and I feel sorry.

However, I am not sorry for what I have done. My plan to get expelled from Anglo-Chinese School (Independent) is, of course, to get expelled, and the bigger the fuss created, the larger the chance of me packing my bags. I feel sorry for causing harm, but not to me, only to everyone else.

Why, you ask? Why choose to quit from one of the best schools in Singapore? Why give up what millions of other boys would give up their lives for? Firstly, I am not one of those million boys. I am the chicken who has been given an emerald. I appreciate it's shine, but to me it is something that I just can't use.

I know that the mentality of the world is to grow up, and get a good education. Once again, I believe that the path tireless work is not for me. People may say I am weak, or that I do not strive for my goals, but I digress. I am not one to 'give up'. I feel that to take the easier route out, though not always the best, has always been comfortable for me. Really, I feel I would do much better outside of school, teaching little children phonics, helping plant trees, writing and reading; These may seem the dreams of an underachiever, but they actually do mean something to the people you aid, unlike multi-millionares who live solely for their lives, job and companies.

I know that my life will never be the same after today, and I know the consequences of my actions. Whether or not I fail or succeed, whether I fight or flee, I appreciate all the friends and teachers I have made and met (respectively) in ACS(I). They, actually, are genuinely worried about me. They think I am upset about my move from IP to Express.

It goes way deeper than that, friends. I am not that shallow.